What If Future Scientists Judged Us by our Sp@m?

This isn’t spam, though I might have opened the email that brought it, if it had been. I mean, what a great threat to hold over the sig other.
“I can grow a new sig other any time I want!”
Copyright by WyoJones. All rights reserved. Used with permission

Yeah, this is a blog about spam. I suspect that most bloggers never plan not to talk about it, but almost everyone eventually gives in and writes a blog about spam. It’s either write about it or cry about it. And I just missed the waaa-mbulance.

Don’t get me wrong, without spam I’d never have known I had a muffin top. I’m old. It happens. 🙂 But going from that to cami-shapers? That’s really cold. Gravity, people. Have you ever heard of gravity? I don’t care what you stuff yourself into, gravity just laughs.

So, what was my tipping point? Well, for some, unknown reason, my spam exploded this last month. I mean, seriously doubled. Possibly tripled. Math has never been my thing, so it might be even more than that. And it was already pretty bad before the explosion. I have an email address that I can’t abandon, so I try to filter it into the trash and when it won’t go quietly, I try not make eye contact cuz that sometimes results in twitching…

Other times I’m just WT…

Like dirt movers and loaders.

Seriously, does anyone impulse buy a large piece of machinery from a spam email? Is someone sitting there, wishing for large machinery, waiting for their email to solve their problem for them? Because, you know, spam is THE place to solve your needs. (Can’t you just hear spam whispering, dude, you can trust us. We’re not really strangers…)

And then, I’m like, who thinks I need a large piece of machinery? What website did I visit that caused some algorithm to conclude I was interested in moving huge piles of dirt?

It’s a bit weird that some of the spam feels a little bit like “they” know me and some just makes me shake my head. But…and here’s a scary thought…

…what if, sometime in the future, some scientist stumbles across a list somewhere that has my name connected with these popular spam emails (popular means I get them at least once a day, sometimes more):

• Giant blueberries/bananas – this isn’t too embarrassing, but remember, we’re talking profiling here. Why giant fruit? What if I wanted normal fruit? What then?

• Real Russian Women and the Dating China Women variation – Okay, first thought is, who wants a fake Russian woman? I mean, come on. And there’s the whole offer OF women. I realize there are women who would be happy to meet a real Russian or a Chinese gal, but I don’t swing that way. I’ve been happily married for 38 years.
• So I also don’t need the “married but lonely” spam.
• Nor will I ever be a “force of nature.” I’m a girl. O.O
• Not interested in three or ten questions that make women hot. I know what makes a woman hot. Menopause. Look it up.

I would think this is all random, but the spammers seem to know that I need to lose weight, or would like to, that I’m doing my taxes (though not a brilliant deduction in April), and that I might need a motorized wheel chair sooner, rather than later. The funeral thing, okay, we’re all going to die at some point. But how did “they” know my Lasik might need tweaking? (Note to self: get eye appointment)

Needless to say I didn’t click any of it. When someone wants me to click here and click NOW, I just want to not click anywhere but the delete key. That’s how I roll. O.O

It gets a bit freaky cause I was wondering if there was something to make my shower safer and up pops the Aqua mat (no, didn’t bite, the reviews were terrible…)

But just when I wonder if I’m being watched (no, don’t have a webcam), I get a pile of e-cig spam. So, they don’t know everything. Bwahahaha. And that FlexHose, am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit creepy?

And what the heck are “marine essentials?” What ooze did they crawl out of and who told them it was a good idea to crawl out of that ooze and start spamming strangers?

And that eBook offering me the secrets to “success?” Excuse me? Are you implying I’m not successful and never will be w/o your book? In the corner you go with the cami shaper people until you get better manners…

So, looking at this interesting assortment, what would the future scientist conclude about what is clearly the bulk of my email? What delightful things could they misconstrue about me? Or would their brains just explode? And if they did? There’s a vacuum for that. And if you buy two…

So what do you misconstrue about me from my spam? I mean, why wait for the future to be misconstrued when we can do it today? All comments are entered into my monthly drawing for $20 AnaBanana (this month only because of aforementioned comments snafu in March — hmm, what spam will that get me?) gift card. Winner is announced in the first blog post of the new month.

Perilously and misconstrued-ly yours,

Pauline

When not being misconstrued by spammers and deleting spam, Pauline writes books. There is probably no connection between the spam and her fictional mayhem. But on a bad, spam day, a character does tend to die. To find out more about her books, pop over to her website at paulinebjones.com. Or you can check out her new release at these stores:

Amazon     Barnes & Noble     iTunes

New Orleans. A girl. A guy. Bullets and bad guys. A normal day in the Big UNeasy. Well, what passes for normal…